As I mentioned in my last post, sometimes all you can do is laugh as adulthood throws you curve balls. So why not tell a story.
Warning I am about to tell you a story that may be too gruesome for certain people. If you are one of these people, avert your eyes now. If you are looking for a new method of birth control, this ones for you! ( Heck, show it to your teenagers, it should be effective.)
My toddler often gets sick like many toddlers. This means he is on antibiotics periodically. Well if you have ever given a small child antibiotics than you know…. It gives them the worst case of the runs ever. This also means my poor child gets a diaper rash from the constant poops and clean up.
On this particular occasion I was home by my lonesome with the sickly toddler and our two dogs. I let the little fella run around sans diaper for a bit to try and air out some of the soreness resulting from this round of antibiotics. He is usually good about telling me he needs the potty when naked and the diarrhea seemed to have slowed, so… why not? ( < example of my poor decision making abilities.)
So here runs the naked hooligan to come tell me about one of his toys when mid sentence he gets possessed by some demon that decides to loosen all control of the toddlers bowels. Yellow pours onto the living room floor and down the child’s legs.
I am no stranger to poo. I’ve been battle worn to just ignore the reality of it. Perks of parenting I guess.
This being said I think ” oh, no big deal lets run you to the tub so the mess can be contained and easily cleaned.” Easy enough right? Wrong.
I get the toddler to the tub and attempt to leave him in the empty tub so I can at least cover the aforementioned poo…. Don’t want doggy tracks of course! About the time I go to exit the bathroom, the child gets hit with possession round two.
Again this yellow demon is exiting from his rectum. Suddenly my child becomes absolutely terrified of the yellow slosh coming from his behind…. Seriously like screaming bloody murder and trying to escape from the poo….which you can only imagine makes it worse. It’s at this point I realize that I will not be covering the poo in the floor and that if I do not at least try to clean my child of his mess he may honestly hyperventilate. That would be poor parenting now wouldn’t it?
Twenty minutes later my child is finally clean, – never would of guessed that washing poo down the drain would be so challenging, I learn something new everyday- the tub is clean, and we are in a state of semi calm. Now I still have the floor poo to tend to.
I go out to see the damage, expecting to see yellow dog prints all over my floor. I am pleasantly surprised to see the floor is spotless, not a drop or splatter in sight. The only evidence being the dogs on their bed giving their best nonchalant whistles….. Que the end of the pleasantness….
That’s right, my dogs ATE THE POO!!!!!! They cleaned the floor like someone had drizzled chocolate syrup on it and it was their job. How does one deal with this level of disgust? What does one do? Why me?
At this point it was laugh or cry. Laugh or cry?
SO… I yelled, then laughed. And kicked the dogs out of the house for the next week.
Get ready kids this is what adulthood has to offer you. An absolute disaster, and a slight comedic relief in the form of a less than savory solution.